Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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