Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
