She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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