Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
