I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
