1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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