are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
