why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
