The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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