its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?