she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?