We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
