just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
