She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
