I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
