I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
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Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
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Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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