i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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