We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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