So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
