he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
