I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
