a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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