Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You left your phone here
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