cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
