you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
false alarm. still invincible.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
