i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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