Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
