My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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