If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
