Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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