Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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