So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
