i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
40s are totally the cure
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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