my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
