my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
