i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm way too hungover for life right now
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
