Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Randomize
