from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
