Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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