You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
