she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
NoShamevember. You game?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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