Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
