this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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