She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
a search helicopter?!
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
