I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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