I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
