haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
