well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
