how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
