grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
