Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
