I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
