she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
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He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
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What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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