I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Don't make out with my wife yet
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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