chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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