my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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