i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?