i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
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He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
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Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.