I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
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Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
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Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad