Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?