You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
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There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
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Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos