Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just pee around me
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
