she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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