No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
