I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
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I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
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Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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