I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
